Coronavirus

It’s like people understand how sick they can get and wash hands don’t go out by sick people do they understand that’s how we always have to feel when they don’t care what they do with illness that could be deadly to many still.. even the flu, but this is attacking them badly so now they all act like they should usually be cautious

I know unfair

Life is unfair.. the hard part is accepting it s you go through it. I know it’s not the worst I know there’s a heck of a lot more things in the world which i wish I could help but that’s prayers right. It shouldn’t be a big thing my mouth has been breaking forever but my front two teeth it’s not fair to lose. I can’t sit still for dentists and they can’t do surgery either and I’m allergic to the main ingredient of most toothpastes. I don’t care how it makes me sound but it hurts to lose so much all the time. To have to keep going and living God’s Will. It’s just so unfair 😢

Deeper Water

I’ve gotten so much worse and it’s hard everything is harder like even my eyes and muscles and tendons and nerves and everything esp in my wrists and arm and hands and prob afte ri type this worse it gets so almost unbearable feeling and i’ve been waking up unable to move trapped in my body completely, everything is just getting so much worse and even if you can’t see it in how i type it’s like even the nerves in my back get sticked with a bunch of pricks all at once and i’ve been asking Mom if she could fix it and she said she wishes she could and the doctors can’t and it feels so claustraphobic and helpless and just painful and terrible and i want it to stop it fixed not feel it and then i realized.. God can fix it, God and Jesus can heal me!! Alleluia

I talked to my niece today about important things that she needs to remember etc so she remembers me a certain way it’s actually hard to do but feels  better knowing that I did it like i know she’ll be okay. Of course everyone will have to be. I’ve learned that everyone in the world is looking for someone to care. For a hero. They need God and Jesus ❤ open their hearts to them.

Double Sided Grief

Have you ever grieved yourself it’s not selfish is it to know how amazing it’ll be for me, yet leaving behind the pain for others. I hope you don’t miss people when you die. I’ve seen Karli and Daddy die. It hurts so bad I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. That’s it though right.. seeing my wonderland room removed knowing how you just want them back so bad, knowing it’ll be me someday.. my family my polka spotted dottie.. my niece who knows me and the one who might not remember me. The amazing butterflies everyone sent and made for me. All the things I love but won’t need anymore after passing away. Looking and remembering I was here and now pain free, I trust in the Lord to get them through this stuff on their journeys. I love them so much and know I always will never ending. Then there’s where I see when I look at it all from my view limited time, not being here anymore playing with Dottie bossing people around working on jhdkids. I’m scared but I’m not that’s the double sided part Me losing where I am and dying when God’s Will. I’ll get to be with so many though and I believe Jesus is there in life and death. Living like you’re dying will just drive you insane on the part of fearing you dying everyday and what to do. You can livelife and still do what you do and wait for God’s Will.

Dying

I keep stopping and seeing things so different, how i can feel so comfortable yet know it’s not going to heal me just keep me comfortable, I’ve added the last jhdkid to the book it feels different somehow like I know it’s meant to be my last and acceptance a kind of comfort knowing it’s done the book only taking editing etc it feels like I know how much I’ve done and that through God and Jesus i think I’ve done good and am passing it down trusting in God that it’ll be okay not to worry about it as much as I feel like it it’s out of my control I don’t think it ever truly was in my control.. I just pray it gets keep going jhdkids the start of a new year the start of a new.. hurt at losing so much and love for getting to be able to do what I could and blessed to still be doing things and loss of what it feels like I’m going to miss but comfort in knowing i did so much even if it means remembering and feeling without being able to do. I wonder if I’ll get to meet all of these jhdkids too well not all yet hopefully

Bittersweet

I have this book on the jhdkids since the beginning its not a really big important book 

kids

just my own little book of the information and i’ve fit in spaces etc and it’s officially down to one space left.. i wonder which child or family will fill the last one..

Mail

My niece Lillith has santa grams so Mom went and got envelopes and valentine and Christmas Olaf card I filled out tattoos stickers fell out, and it hurts so much because it’s a reminder of what I can’t do anymore that I absolutely loved doing I’m very blessed I could send them them so many times and I even with the paint it’s a time when I couldn’t anymore but it still hurts

Tomorrowland Pins

lmao i love this movie but these have been driving me insane

The part in Tomorrowland where they just hand out more pins to people in locations with lions etc and they have to find their way around through to the place without getting hurt trying to get to see Tomorrowland like she did when she fell down stairs into walls almost drown haha thats the part that drove me most insane and how did the robot girl who gave it to her not know where she was or that the pin would do that to her if she’s handed out several others, and the unlimited amount of money for road trips is especially the worst in the move The Space Between Us that was so confusing!! How did they get those ships around so easy from NASA in the US and how were they tracking the kids knowing which store in the world they were in exactly and how were they just there at the exact moment he was about to die how they can’t get past one dog to get a child from Mars and save his life c’mon, only in movies.