Dying

I’ve been prepared for it for awhile now while i was able to do the certain things I’ve had to do. FYI it’s only pajamas at my service.. I had it pinned but it’s like when I was diagnosed ready but I felt nothing like ready

Everyone dies I’ve seen so much faith truly real I’m not scared because even when Daddy was dying he seen Karli. I know God and Jesus are through life and death. 

My symptoms are becoming very terrible and i could die at anytime. Right nowthese muscle spasms making me inhale makes my first fear pneumonia.. But it could still be anything before then.. Amazing friends amazing family amazing community.. I get through it.. I can admit I’m still scared but at least I made it to Gods time and it wasn’t alone 

I know I need this and want it to finally be over but and one of the hardest parts to get people to accept is when you have to look death straight in front of you. It’s still scary it hurts i wonder if i did everything if everyone knows how much I love and appreciate everything absolutely everything and my puppies know how much I love them even when they can’t see me the same way anymore 

I don’t have a clue how long this damn disease is going to give me and we don’t like to think of it but there’s no escaping I’ll finally be free and the symptoms that are so scary and getting worse.. I need to figure out how to get through what I have left because if it’s short I have things to do no matter how limited I’ve become, first step is to figure out how to stop crying and take it in

I do know I’d do it all over again if I got to be part of my family and the people I’ve met and love. As you can tell even by this website I’ve lived an amazing life with so much love in it

Love,

-Jacey-

Questions

This disease may make you have to make really hard choices, choices people don’t understand until they get there.. no matter how badly it hurts you if it helps them its worth it i’ve had to make a lot of choices in life to spare myself, i think the decision to know this disease what it does and spare someone else no matter how hard it is you need to decide, i might’ve made the wrong choice but something in me is telling me i did the right thing, i can only bless the roads they’ve set out on and pray everything turns out okay

 

Happy Birthday Daddy

Happy Birthday Daddy i wish you and Karli could come celebrate them, I’m trying to do right so i can meet yous again one day even sully please lord i pray i miss them so much birthdays 4 days apart passed away2 months apart im so blessed to be part of your family

My jhd makes me mean and im afraid I’ll hurt people anymore than i already have like family and close friends I don’t want people hurt mentally because of me i feel like poison going through my body spreading through those i care about and I can’t be free without being free of the jhd

Found..

87073cb9a9e1e934d4e5757a4c405aa9.jpgMy old blog from 2010 and added it to this one, going through messages of friends that influenced me in different ways throughout my life. That’s one of the hard things in life you just want them all to sit still. but life changes..

 

 

i wish..

i wish i were dead, i admit it i can be the worst person in the world for thinking that for admitting that but would it be that aweful for this pain to not be felt this disease pain the pain of holidays of situations of life.. would it be that bad to not have another virus on top of the virus i have had for awhile now that i cant use antibiotics for for the chronic pain and everything the doctors cant fix im selfish im pathetic im sick im invisibe im in extreme pain and i wish it away doesn’t mean i can do anything but wish so i wish it

its not fair how do i handle this when the neighbor is playing the dog music as loud as they can and i came right up to the fence and told her i have seizure disorder and she goes we have heart attacks its an old couple i dont know what to do this is also a huge quality of life issue

even my family runs in different directions i thought today could be a great day about karlis life and erica makes a cake and takes off with her boyfriend when she promised me today yesterday so i leave and we go out with lilli bless her and come home and that damn neighbors