Jaceys JHD Journey~ My Story

Gave up something that gave comfort and consistency and the feeling of this being more real in for, trust a not guilty conscious to work on things that are better then that like the signatures are at 145?!!!! thank you all sooo much!! a way to accept blessings i get and get rid of the idea that things that are bad for me, aren’t going to fix it no matter how much it feels like it would. Now how to grieve that plus everything else. Yikesss

I Love Seeing More Signatures!!

Incredible!!

So bad right now while I sleep all day and wake up at night unable to yell out for help when I just wake up trapped until it lowers severity.. Muscle spasms bringing back choking up anything especially drinks and whatever the hell else it wants. Still Alive. Successfully changed dottis clothes from the build a bear she got me while she was still here don’t worry the jhdkids shirt is still in good use right now, the type of shoes i wear are usually super bendable and I just love the dress on her with her bow that matches sparkles dress of course when i took the magnet out of Dottis mouth ffor mris finding out she has sound im not taking out lol so surgery scar is still in her mouth poor girl this is so hard karli and daddy understand but they’re not here to help me feel like im not disposal and tons of other things I’ve heard just for being sick im human and i do things you think are a bad influence on even Karli you don’t know what you’re saying because I love all of even jhdkids and that can’t be wrong. I wish only one person had to go through it because I’d gladly take this for them im dying anyways 

I asked Dottie to take pictures with them she is so photogenic she did great 

And even the cockatiel Flash bowed to get clapping for him

The jhd makes everyone disappear I tried to get them to stay I can’t accept it but it still hurts so bad abandoning a sick friend for your convenience and not realizing that history is repeating itself in a way I refuse to just give in to.. When your friends that said they’d always be there they care and then they drop me and shatter what I’ve had of them.. I’ll always love them but they decided to leave and after I die they will have to face it when they get this sick they’ll wonder how any of this is really true and understand hopefully.. I still am not accepting this because it’s not my fault im sick and punishment shouldn’t be this bad you shouldn’t tell someone how much they matter that they’ll always be there promises turn to lies turn to me being absolutely nothing compared to who i used to be to them and that also isn’t my fault someone told me they’re not worth it but I’ll always think they are even when they think I’m not and that’s what I told them when they all decided i put in my input and feel a lot better knowing they know they hurt me with rejection and that i am living without them now 
So all you can do is ride out the flu hold on to the build a bear dotti and sparkle karli made me and hold her as close as possible until God says i can finally go be with everyone again no more of this pain I’ll be free

Sorting my tub of memory things, the cards people sent me misc things, things that make me remember times i usually can’t, things i can’t believe people sent me cards from many places and many people i love very much and so many who’ve passed that i cherish very much, from the first time i met virginia and her family to the many many cards and butterflies and pictures i got from near and far, pieces from bucket list journeys postcards from amazing people like art and word collage from landon and his family sooo cute i am very blessed to be able to look at all of these

Seems to be very cruel and God seems to be very loving and giving, knowing your going to die is scary but the suffering is scarier i think or thought, seizures were almost non stop last night when i woke partially up mom got me meds to help them stop but i’m still very shaky and sick but lilli is quite the funniest little thing ever she wins every game of hungry hungry hippos and she sings and makes up songs about things and dances and makes up stories and cereal is mud and grandma is so sick watching us eat mud when i had to go to bed from starting to seize too bad she said she felt sick too she started making herself shake and she layed on the couch and then after a bit she just got back up i think shes still trying to understand the world, but in a way i think she’s trying to correct it better then we could. Isn’t that how the world works, kids come in the world a certain way to make it better. Seems everyone is blindfolded though.

I’m still also a sleepless person, i keep thinking of all the people i miss so much i want back so bad like carissa krivanek and judy and karli and daddy and crista bordeau and meghan sullivan and cory and sully and cathy and lauren and laura and mitch and jillian and vada and matty and mindy and alex chenell katie our nyc team and marie and bob and jake and david tovar and nancy wexler and and the kids and life the life that was there i want it back and so so so so many people and even people in just different forms in a world where life didnt change so much it just seems to keep going downhill.. basically

the moments in time that i dont want to leave from

i dont think anyone realizes how bad this hurts just grieving it all hurts i remember the last night i spent with karli i left watching a movie with her to go to church, i never expected the next day to turn into something i knew was coming but still didnt feel it would.. that’s sort of like this and sort of like life how it is now scared of whats next because its so real. i’m so sick of being alone from anything and everything that hits. I Am Trying. Just come back all of it 😥 I think the hardest part of it is knowing what i did that i didnt know i was doing, now theres nothing but consequence. i had no idea how many people i could hurt by being 25 with jhd losing a sister a dad and my older sister being sick and just relying on people, i never knew i could hurt people so much. It feels like the more backwards in time i go the less pain there seems to be

im not used to my heart physically hurting this bad chronically low yes but this hurts so bad and feels so wrong and the top of my head has been buzzing but thats been normal for seizing lately too its been such bad seizing so much and my sleep and i’ve been unusually very very sick progressive? virus? for almost 2 weeks now if im dying its here in bed in my room with my fur kids and family hopefully but it still hurts so bad and just because i want to die and im where i want to, doesnt mean the pain is any less importantt

There’s a lot of people who need prayers in my life right now please pray for all of them!!  They all really need it

sleep schedule from 8-9am i sleep and wake up 7-8ish idk if its seizures mainly its most probable cause then went to store to get research materials i’m getting farther on that its a good distraction from life