I feel like i’m sliding down a hill towards my fate, my sisters fate in front of my eyes and i cant escape. I try to take it as graceful and least painful as possible by switching to what i can do compared to what i could. I’m really trying i really am. I’m scared shitless, but i’m also relieved that i don’t feel like i’m waiting for something that finally comes. I’m scared to die, and i’m relieved to die when i do die. I’m ready to die but i’m also not ready to die. I dont know how i’m going to handle the change of being completely reliant for all physical matters completely. I have support, but it doesn’t keep me from feeling like it’s an inevitable fate flashing before my eyes. I’m scared that someone will come and take advantage of my situation and i wont be there to help and fix it. That one day i’m going to try to talk on the phone and i wont be able to. I know God and Jesus saved me several times not just on the cross for us. and I really hope that when they say through life and death they mean that they’ll be there the whole time. When you’re on gravel in the driveway fallen down completely into a seizure in the rain because of the lightening of the sky completely unable to move you know this is now more then it was. A lot of people are scared to talk about the end of jhd, but the rest of us are forced to confront it. I’m going to the part where i wont be able to throw a bone for my puppys and i wont be able to pet them all up. I will try though. I’m afraid for my niece, that her auntie will be too sick, i partly have been a lot shes been banned from my room and i feel so bad because i love her so much and i just want to watch movies without getting sick or having seizures, with her, and awhile ago it would’ve been easy to do, but a lot of things are like that now. I have to do this, if not for me my family my friends then for God’s Will i have to make it through this see it out until God says its my time.
A very hard decision the beginning of this i just wanted to focus on my hands, and i did as much as possible and these kids i wanted to help until i couldn’t anymore.. it looks good but i actually can’t type the write way the write just im having contractions so bad my hands are going and it’s just like bam it hit me that fast this losing my hands thing.. i’m to focus on my ipad and what i can i’m going to leave this up to mom we’ll team it i’ll tell her when kids events are i’ll show her how to do things more via her computer and she can share updates you can talk to her Jane Mervar but i can’t keep using my hands and typing on here anymore, i can try typing on my website jaceysjhdjourney.com through the ipad as best i can i love you all thank you for your support i know it might be confusing for you my computer is going for repairs anyways, but i have my reason you just have to trust that